So ends another year....

As 2014 comes to a close I reflect back over the last year.
If you would have asked me on Dec. 31, 2013 how I imagined 2014 to turn out, I would have never guessed that the events that came to pass in 2014 was where my life was headed.
So much has changed in the last year;

• One of my best friends got pregnant and had her first little miracle. Raylan, Nanny loves you so much bud! I can't wait until I'm not sick anymore and come see you again!!! You sir are loved by many, including me. I cannot wait to watch this little man grow over the next year!
• Another long time friend welcomed her little girl into the world shortly after the new year. Reagan, Nanny has loved getting to watch you grow up over the last year! You are so stinking cute, and you know it! You sweet little girl are also loved by many, including me! I cannot wait to watch you grow more and more this year!
• I started my job with the State of Oregon. I applied for, and got, a job with the DOJ as an ISS 4 in June. I get to go to work everyday and write code with some of the smartest people I know. I am lucky to call many of them friends. I was promoted shortly after joining, and finish the year out as an ISS 5, still getting to write code and learning so much in the last 6 months from all these wonderful friends of mine.
• I left my husband. For reasons that I choose not to divulge except to a trusted few, I am no longer married. The lessons I have learned in the last 6 months are great, both in number and magnitude. 
• Due to the above, I moved in with my parents and started working toward buying a house. This goal of buying my first home will be accomplished by the end of the year for sure, but I am aiming for a whole lot sooner than that! 
• I traded the mom-mobile in for an F150. This will allow for the hauling around of animals in a much simpler manner!
• My first litter of French Lops was born! I have started to grow my rabbitry and look forward to continuing to do so this year. I also look forward to continue to get more involved with the OLRCB and other organizations within the rabbit world. ARBA National Convention is in Portland this year and I simply cannot wait for October!!!!!

There have been many new friends I have made this year, and I look forward to continuing to grow those relationships. 

There have been many old friends that have come back around this year as well, and I look forward to many more memories. 

Whether you're an old friend, a new friend, a friend who is like family, or true blood family, I love you all. I know this year has been rough for me and I have leaned greatly on many (if not all) of you. and you've all been there for me. Thank you doesn't express my deep gratitude and love for each of you, however, it's all I've got.

Chyenne Elizabeth, I have not forgotten you my dear one. I have watched you grow this last year in so many ways! You are as tall as I am now, you are smart, you are an athlete, you are social, you are greatly loved, and love greatly. While I am scared of what your teen years will look like, I know that we will come out the other side better people, with a better relationship. I thank God every night for you my ChyLizzy, I love you so much baby girl!

I have grown in the Lord, I have grown in friends, I have grown in love, and I have learned more than I ever could've imagined. 

This year did not turn out as I imagined it might, but I believe it has come out so much better than I ever could have imagined. 

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015!

From Chy and I both:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

In Him,

Eryn

Self Judgement

These are just my extended thoughts on 1 Corinthians 4:3-5. I am not an expert. I simply offer my humble thoughts and insights.

My daily QuietTime for today was on 1 Corinthians 4:1-13. The part that really caught my attention was 4:3-5 - in particular
"But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself." 4:3 NKJV

Paul is telling the Corinthians not to judge each other or even themselves.

But how often do we judge ourselves negatively? I do it all. the. time. DAILY! I blame it on my Type A personality or my OCD, but really, I am just falling victim to judgement. Self judgement.

Or how often do we believe that we are doing just fine in an area? When prayerful consideration would reveal that there is room for improvement.

We are not God, and only He can pass a fair judgement on anyone.

"For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord." 4:4 NKJV

While I do believe that we should regularly examine ourselves, I believe it should be done prayerfully. I promise that Jesus will show us what needs to changed about ourselves, whether we want to really see it or not! However, I don't believe we should pass judgement on those things against ourselves. It is simply not our job to pass judgement.

"Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one's praise will come from God." 4:5 NKJV

Most of the time when we think about passing judgement we apply it toward another person. As in, don't pass judgement on others. This is the first time I have come across the idea that we shouldn't pass judgement on ourselves either.

It's an admonishment that I think we should all hear and keep in mind.

Eryn

Easter 2013 aka The Day Chyenne and Eryn Got Baptized!

Justin Baptized Chyenne and I on Easter Sunday at church. The following is Eryn's testimony, and pictures from the baptism itself.

I am what most people would call, accident prone. The most common sentence said by my mother while I was growing up was "Eryn, I swear your middle name should've been Grace!". In the course of my 30 years, I have walked into 2x4's, fallen off swings face first, been hit in the face and head by every sports ball out there, had the wind knocked out of me by more than one soccer ball, have been kicked by horses and cows, bitten by rabbits, fallen off of hay stacks, fallen into ponds, been shocked by electric fences, tripped over my own two feet to land and dislocate my knee cap, and most recently, I have fallen out of a 5th wheel into the side of the house knocking myself unconscious and reinjuring my shoulder. There is so much more, believe me, my medical records look like Tim "the tool man" Taylor's,  but I'm on a time limit. Despite all of the mishaps, God has protected my from any major injuries. I have only had one surgery, and one broken bone in my entire life. My physical therapist is part of the family, but nothing major.

As a young child, I was not raised in what would be called a "Christian home". I didn't attend church on Sunday's with my family, we didn't have family Bible study or prayer time, to be honest I don't think we even had a Bible in the house. However, my mom worked shift work and so did my step dad, which meant that our babysitter had to be flexible. Linda and Joe Newton were more than willing to watch my siblings and I any day of the week, including Sunday. But Sunday's came with a stipulation; We were to come dressed for church, and permission had to be given to attend church with them. And so, on the Sunday's that our parents worked, we were dressed for church and attended Woodburn Baptist Church. Joe and Linda gave me my first Bible as a teen, and I will be honest, I didn't use it that much.

Life went on, I grew up, got pregnant, and married. My first husband Josh, wasn't what you would call a stand up guy. Two months of yelling and screaming came to a head when he put his fist through a wall, bent the kitchen sink faucet into the back of the sink basin, and ripped the phone out of the wall to prevent my calling for help. By God's grace my daughter and I were uninjured, we were able to leave that night to somewhere safe,  my daughter was too little to remember it,  my family was in a position to help me out by allowing me to move back into the house the very next day, and I have awesome step brothers that helped move me for beer and pizza.

Shortly after my divorce I felt like something was missing in my life. I knew it was God. I researched religions and decided on becoming LDS, Latter Day Saint, more commonly known as Mormon. Baptized LDS in June 2003 I was LDS for 9 years. Life as an LDS member is NOT easy. There are a lot of rules to follow, and if you don't follow them you run the risk of not getting into the top tier of heaven. I spent 9 years scared I was doing it wrong, trying as hard as I could to follow all the rules laid out. I felt inadequate, stupid, and wondered if I would ever be able to get into heaven. Once again, God intervened and saved me. I met Justin at school, and we became fast friends. As we talked we discovered that while we had different religious views we were committed too, we were also curious about the each other's religion as well. I saw this as my chance to gain points with God. I would convert Justin to LDS, and get in good with God at the same time! Boy was I WRONG! The harder I tried to defend my faith the faster my boat sank.  Soon, I agreed to attend First Baptist Independence with Justin, and I have never gone back to the LDS church since.

While I was looking for God in the wrong place, God still saw me and kept me safe. In 2004 I drove a 1998 Eagle Vision. As I was coming home from Oregon City along 99E one day, a guy in a red pickup passed me, slammed on his breaks, paced me, rolled down his window and started screaming "Pull over! PULL OVER! Your car is on FIRE!" About then the smoke started drifting into the car through the steering column. As I pushed on the breaks, I realized that the break lines had been burned through; I couldn't stop. I hit the hill just outside of Barlow, coasting to a stop across from Top O'Hill restaurant. I grabbed my cell, jumped out of my car, and ran from it toward the man in the red pickup. Just as I reached the truck, my car exploded. I called my parents, who were on their anniversary trip at Multnomah Falls, and told my dad I needed a new car. He asked why, as I opened my mouth to explain, my car exploded again. He asked what the noise was, I told him it was my car exploding. He responded, "Guess you do need a new car then don't ya?". As I was talking to my dad, I hear a familiar voice call out to me from across the road. I look up to see my best friend TJ coming across the road making sure I was ok, asking where Chyenne was. It so happened that because I was car shopping that day, Chyenne was at the baby sitters, and not in the car with me. I finished my conversation with my parents, telling dad that TJ could give me a ride wherever, and to finish enjoying their anniversary date. TJ had a conversation with the gentleman in the truck. It so happened we were the only two drivers on the road at that time. The gentleman had finished his home chores early and left for work a little earlier than normal. God had me pay the babysitter, something I wouldn't normally do, to watch Chyenne to keep her safe, put this man in my path to keep me safe, gave me a hill to slow me down, and sent TJ into Canby for lunch that day, also unusual, to cross my path. Without all of these things working together, this could be a story of tragedy instead of a funny anecdote.

My time here at Grace has been a wonderful one. Full of friendship, laughter, love, and learning. I have learned from Ephesians 2:8, "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God.". I have learned that all of my feelings of inadequacy, and failure were because I was trying to change all by myself instead of through Jesus. But through Jesus, I am adequate and I am not alone. I am no longer scared, and I know that when it is time, I will go to heaven. I get baptized today not because I HAVE to, but because I WANT to.

Rejoice, Pray, and Give Thanks

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." ~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (ESV)

Rejoice ALWAYS, pray WITHOUT CEASING, give thanks IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. Oh my what a tall order! Always, without ceasing, and in all circumstances are all very daunting phrases that make you wonder, 'How on earth will I find time to do all of that too?!'

Take heart, for He tells how to do theses things in the very next verse. In Christ Jesus. What comfort those words bring for me! I know that I can accomplish His will of rejoicing always, praying without ceasing and giving thanks in all circumstances with His help.

There are two very important words at the end of this passage that I pray you do not overlook; 'for you'. I read them in two ways:

1. It is His will for you (me) to rejoice, pray and give thanks.
2. It is for you (me) that His will is to rejoice, pray and give thanks.

Still not clear on the difference? Number one means its something I need to do in order to be within His will. I'm following orders. Number two feels more like a gift. By rejoicing always, praying without ceasing, and giving thanks in all circumstances I am going to be happier. And I am going to return that happiness as praise and glory to God. What a glorious circle to be caught in!

By being thankful and rejoicing through prayer, I see everything as a gift. And any gift from God does not need to be modified or controlled. By taking this gift presented to me, I can let go of the control I have wrongfully grabbed a hold of, and give it back to God. And for the days, and the things, that this is too hard for me to do, I can turn to Jesus and receive all the help I need in doing so.

-Eryn

Giving God Sole Control

"But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hand; rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!" Psalm 31:14-15 (ESV)

Did you know that "trust" can be a noun OR a verb? As a noun, 'Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.' As a verb, 'Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.' In this context I choose both, (I'm female, I can do that!). By saying "You are my God", you are putting words and an action to your trust in the Lord.

 But, there is more to trust than just saying you trust someone, you have to actually trust them! Hence verse 15, "My times are in your hand;". To trust God fully, we must place our lives into His hands. We must realize, acknowledge and live out this truth daily.

How hard this is! I struggle with it daily. I put in my two week notice at work. Then I go to the mailbox to find a very large medical bill that must be paid in full. I must give up stressing how these things will work out. I must TRUST God that HE will take care of them, and without my worrying about it along the way!

Lord, please help me to remember, for I do know mentally already, that you are here for me. That you have it all covered. That all I have to do is proclaim your word, and give you glory. I pray to you in Jesus' name, Amen.

Hello. My name is Eryn, and I'm a Control Freak!

For those of you who don't know, I (Eryn) have started an online bible study through Melissa Taylor and Proverbs31 Ministries. The book we are using to guide us through is Let. It. Go. by Karen Ehman. We are two chapters into the book, and already my eyes are being opened just a little wider, and my heart is being changed.
Hello, my name is Eryn and I am a control freak. More specifically, I am a manipulative control freak according to the control quotient test at the end of chapter 1, of which I got a quotient of 36. I manipulate others by:

1. I try and persuade others to see my point of view and take on the same opinion that I have so we will agree, and I will get my way. 
2. I agree to do SOME of the things people ask me to do so that they will "owe" me. Please don't take this to mean that if I have done something for you that it was so you would owe me. This is only true in certain situations. 
3. I control my family by letting/not letting them do something based on my wants, desires, and preferences. When they don't agree with me, I sulk until they do.
4. I use my chronic illness to make others feel sorry for me so that they will agree with me and I will, in turn, get my way. 

BUT, I have hope and so do you! By going through this study I hope to learn how to do the following two things:

1. To determine the difference between being conscientious (our/my part) and being in control (God's part)
2. To control what I (we) should and TRUST God with the rest. 

As I write the above, something else occurs to me. But first a little background, I am also going through Mark Driscoll's book Who Do You Think You Are? as part of my small group bible study. In the first chapter Mark talks about idols, and uses it as an acronym.

Items

Duties

Others

Longings

Sufferings

Now for the something else that occurred to me. As I finished writing about being a manipulative control freak, and went to hit publish, I hesitated. I hesitated, because admitting what I admitted above is difficult to do and there were two things that I DIDN'T want to happen.

1. I didn't want others to comment on this and not agree with my point of view. Controlling much? But this is something I already admitted to. And something I am working on fixing.
2. I am deathly afraid of what everyone who is reading this is going to think of me. That falls into the Others in IDOLS category. Guess I better get going on fixing this issue as well...#sigh.

I am so grateful to be going through both of these books. I am learning so much about myself, who God wants me to be and how to be that person. Please pray for me. Pray for the transformation that needs to take place in me. That I can become the woman God wants me to be.

-Eryn

The Passing of a Matriarch

It was a bright and sunny day in June 2011. A perfect day for a graduation party. Justin and I had our BS in Computer Science and we celebrated with his family and friends. One of the first people I got to meet was an elderly woman with the biggest smile I have ever seen on a person. 

"Eryn, I'd like you to meet my grandma, Elsie Wutzke." This was proceeded with a giant hug from Elsie. Then Justin got a hug from her too. I learned a few things about Elsie that day. 1) She smiled always. 2) She hugged everyone. 3) She spoke her mind no matter what!

Over the course of the next year I got to spend more time with grandma. She came to our wedding and was full of smiles, love, and advice. We stayed a night with her in Myrtle Creek and met half the town at dinner because they all knew her by name. With each encounter I learned a little, and sometimes a lot, more. Not just about her and her way of life, but about how life should be lived and what should truly be treasured.

Grandma's life was NOT easy. Born in 1924 on a farm in North Dakota, her mother died when she was only 14 days old from pneumonia. Her father remarried a widow, and all told there were 18 kids between them! She grew up on a farm, as well as married a farmer whom she worked side by side with, and knew what the definition of hard work was first hand. Grandma had to quit school after the 6th grade so she could help support her family. This didn't stop her from getting a High School Diploma in 1974, graduating the same year as her youngest son Nick. After which she continued her education in knitting and oil painting, among other things. She also taught bread making, one of her special culinary talents.  Grandma went to church every Sunday morning, senior Bible study every week, and joined a diet club. But she never went alone, even after Grandpa died 7 years ago. Grandma picked up any elderly lady that couldn't drive and took them with. If they needed a ride, and there was room in the car, Grandma was there. Every birth, graduation, and marriage meant another quilt lovingly made by grandma, and the guarantee she would be there to give it to you in person and share in your joyous day. 

Hard work, perseverance, education, teaching, service to others, fear of the Lord, love of the Lord, family, forgiveness, speaking your mind, and many, many other things were all very important to grandma. And she made sure to pass the importance of those things down to her children and grandchildren, instilling in them the same values she exemplified throughout her life. 

Getting a message that a loved one isn't doing well is never easy. And while grandmas readiness to meet the Lord, her daughter lost at birth, her mother, and to see her granddaughter Sara Lynn again was comforting, it doesn't ease the pain of those words. Monday December 3, 2012, 7 years and 2 days after her husband passed, Grandma Elsie R. Wutzke passed away in her son Ken's home with her daughter-in-law Pat by her side. Her celebration of life was held on Sunday December 9, 2012. 

Grandma, you will be fondly remembered, and greatly missed.